World Peace Meeting
a play in one act

Characters: Chamberlain, Hitler, Roosevelt, Mussolini, Stalin, Daladier, Caril, Hearst, Franco, etc. etc. etc.

Chairmen: Gentleman, we who are for world peace, brotherly love, equality, the right of small nations, the well being of the people, etc. etc. do hereby proclaim. . . . .

(unanimous response)

Now to get down to the practical matters at hand.

Hitler: God damn the Jews, democrats, and communists, er excepting our good friend comrade Stalin, of course.

Hearst: What we need is liberty. Damn all those radicals and crackpots who want to change the American way of living. (thinking to himself: I’ve got mine, so what are they kicking about anyway)

Chamberlain: India really deserves liberty, for [haven’t] we taught it democracy? We intend to grant it independence, under our supervision, of course.

Mussolini: What young men need is war to make men of them, but er’ er’ I prefer to remain a non-belligerent.

Stalin: We need more fortification to defend our fatherland from you capitalistic exploiter and scoundrels.

Hitler; We need breathing space, and I am already giving bonuses to mothers to breed more children to breathe the more breathing space we need.

Franco: Yes, and my country needs a redistribution of wealth so I am redistributing the old estates back to their original owners.

Roosevelt: Gentlemen, let me fix things up, I’m awful handy at that sort of thing.

Bruno Muss: (aside to Stalin) Boy, ain’t strafeing niggers great fun? I sure did enjoy myself seeing them run like hell while I was bombing them.

Stalin: Strafeing is all right, but a good bloodletting is balm for the soul.

Roosevelt: We are a peaceful nation, and to prove it I have just allotted 2 billion dollars for guns and battleships to maintain good will. That’s[...]

Blum: I’m for peace. Didn’t I prevent food and arms from going into Spain to help those Socialists.

Munitionmaker: Gentlemen, I think you are on the right track, and I think we can look forward to several years of prosperity.

Message from the Pope: (read) The holy See sends its blessings to the noble gentlemen who are gathered at the peace conference. May God be with each of you.

The Kaiser: I wonder if these birds are going to come out of this mess as lucky as I did. I’m sitting pretty, being the 5th richest guy in the world.

revolutionist enters side door and tosses bomb into the middle of assemblage

(amid falling dust, curtain falls while the singing of birds and the swishing of the breeze is heard in the distance)